


Why do I do this to myself?

by sarah4hp



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: First Time, M/M, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-20
Updated: 2011-05-20
Packaged: 2017-10-19 15:07:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/202197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarah4hp/pseuds/sarah4hp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the kiss in Amsterdam Adam is more frustrated than ever about never getting what he wants from Tommy. But what happens when Tommy overhears Adam complaining to Monte, and starts questioning his own feelings for Adam as well?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why do I do this to myself?

”Why do I do this to myself?!” Tommy heard Adam say through the slightly opened door to his bedroom.

“Because you can’t help yourself?” he heard Monte suggest.

“I know” Adam groused. “I’m pathetic”

“You’re human” Monte corrected him.

“God he drives me crazy” Adam sighed. “You have no idea”

“Yeah, I know” Monte agreed sympathetically.

“I’ve never experienced this thing before. I mean, yeah Kris could drive me crazy from time to time, but… at least it wasn’t this constant thing. Maybe because he was married, or maybe because the hugs we shared weren’t quite enough to torture me the way being on stage with Tommy does”

“Gotta love the fan service” Monte teased affectionately.

“Oh yeah, I love it big time” was Adam’s sarcastic response before he sighed. “Why did I have to fucking kiss him on national television and make the fans expect it every damn night?”

“You couldn’t help yourself?” Monte suggested for the second time.

“No I couldn’t” Adam groaned. “I rarely can. I see him standing there with those damn eyes, those glossed lips and that fucking amazing lithe body and I just have to touch him, and hold him, and kiss him… “

“… and hump him from behind, and practically do him right there on the stage?” Monte finished for him, the humour obvious to detect in his voice.

“Or that” Adam confirmed. “I just have to torture myself with what I can’t have so I’ll feel even worse about not having it afterwards. I’m such a glutton for punishment! But God Monte.. he feels so fucking good in my arms, and he tastes so sweet… “

“Yeah…. And isn’t he pretty?” Monte teased.

“Yeah he is” Adam sighed. “I’m convinced the sole purpose of his existence is to torture me. God created him so he’d hit every single weakness I’ve got, and then made sure he was straight so I could never have him, I just know it”

“My, my, aren’t we suddenly the centre of the universe? That’s quite an elaborate scheme God has there, and such an awfully complicated and time-consuming plan to put in order for ONE man” Monte chuckled.

“Come on man, give me some sympathy here” Adam demanded good naturedly.

“You’ve got it already” Monte assured him. “But it’s not just the physical that’s torturing you”

“Of course not” Adam stated annoyed. “Because on top of being the embodiment of everything that drives me crazy physically, he has to be one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met too”

“Totally unfair, I agree” Monte nodded.

“It is. I mean, couldn’t he have just been a complete moron? Or at least someone I had absolutely nothing in common with? At least then I’d know I wasn’t also missing out on someone with a great personality, and someone that I have so much in common with”

“Maybe you should talk to him about it?” Monte suggests and Tommy’s heart almost stops.

“Oh yeah, I can just hear it now” Adam snorts. “’Hey Tommy, I was thinking… you drive me completely crazy whenever I’m near you, so.. could you stop initiating anything on stage and just kind of flee whenever I can’t help myself and I try something?’”.

“Well, maybe not like that” Monte acknowledges.

“Then how?” Adam sighs. “What can I possibly say? We have to interact on stage the way we do, the fans expect it. And I don’t want us to stop being friends either, which leaves me with nothing”.

“I guess it kind of does”

“The only way to end it is by letting him go and hirering a new bassist” Adam stated. “And there is no way I am doing that”

Tommy breathed a sigh of relief at that.

“Or the situation could improve if you two got together” Monte tried.

“Sure! Because that is so going to happen” Adam mocked.

“You never know” Monte defended himself.

“He’s straight, what more is there to say? It’s not exactly like he’s the type who would be afraid to admit it if he wasn’t, and he hasn’t really given many signals that would lead me to believe that he’s interested in me, so… a year in, I think it’s safe to say it’s not going to happen” Adam rebutted.

“You really like him huh?” Monte asked sympathetically.

“I think I might be in love with him” Adam sighed.

“So… not just a harmless and completely non-threatening crush this time?” Monte guessed.

“Not really no” Adam confirmed.

“Wow… we really need to teach you to not to fall for the straight guys” Monte teased.

“God that would be nice!” Adam agreed.

Tommy was stunned. Adam was in love with him… Adam Lambert. In love. With HIM! He quietly left so they wouldn’t know that they had been overheard as he tried to process that. He had always known that Adam found him pretty. And he had also always known that Adam liked him and enjoyed spending time with him. But he had never thought that those two things together would equal Adam being in love with him. He’d thought of it more in an “eye candy to play with on stage and a buddy to hang out with after the show” kind of way. Boy did he need some time alone to think!

 

At the next show in Vienna Tommy was feeling more nervous and edgy than usual before going on stage, and he blamed it all on Adam. What kind of person has a conversation like that with the door slightly open so everyone walking by can hear every word if they wanted?! A crazy person, that’s who!

Tommy slumped into a chair in the empty dressing room and sighed. He knew he had no reason to blame Adam for anything. It’s not like there hadn’t been signs that Adam might have feelings involved if Tommy was totally honest with himself, and it’s not like he could honestly claim that he was sorry he knew when the knowledge gave him the chance to try and better the situation and salvage their friendship.

And, in the spirit of honesty and keeping it real, he was man enough to acknowledge that he might not have made it easy for Adam to ignore the sexual attraction and build a completely platonic friendship with him instead. There were a few times where he might have flirted and encouraged those feelings more than he should have. Okay, there were several times where that might have been the case. Okay, fine, there were countless of times where that was the case! But he was always flirting with everyone, and it had been completely innocent and without any intention of hurting or torturing Adam. Well, it was without any intention of hurting Adam, the torturing thing…. Maybe a little sexual torture had been intended.

But he hadn’t known that the torture was more than just a sexual frustration, and that it had been emotional as well. And as a small, skinny guy who never exactly fit the norm, well… it felt damn good to be able to affect someone that strongly. He had never had anything like that before. Sure women had found him cute, had found him hot, and had even wanted to sleep with him, but…. No one had ever looked at him like he was the eighth wonder of the world. No one had ever looked at him with that combination of pure, animal hunger and awestruck wonder before, and as a result, no one had ever made him feel more sexy, confident and alive. And maybe it was slightly selfish to need that validation, and to flirt and encourage to achieve that reaction when you couldn’t return the feelings, but….

Tommy sighed. He had no real way to justify playing with his best friends feelings like that. He had been an asshole – unknowingly yes, but an asshole nonetheless. And now it was too late to go back and change the way they interacted, both on and off stage, without Adam realizing something was wrong and demanding answers – answers Tommy was in no way prepared to offer under any circumstances. Because, even though not hurting Adam was a big priority, avoiding Adam getting self-conscious and withdrawing from their friendship was an even bigger one.

There was a big knock on the door, which frightened him more than he would ever admit to anyone, and he was finally pulled out of his gloomy thoughts. He couldn’t believe how his life had turned into a soap opera, and any distraction that could help him NOT to focus on all of the drama was very welcome indeed.

“We’re on in five minutes!” Monte yelled through the door.

“Coming!” he yelled back, taking a deep breath before heading for the door, unlocking it and heading for the stage.

“Everything okay?” Monte asked concerned, and Tommy nodded with a tight smile.

“Everything is fine” he lied.

Monte nodded, but still looked slightly unconvinced, and Tommy mentally cursed the fact that while over-acting and fake dramatic reassurances that everything is okay always works in soap operas, it never seemed quite as effective in real life.

 

They were only half way through Down the rabbit hole when Tommy realized he was fucked. Every look from Adam, the lyrics directed at him, and the feeling of being enveloped in Adam’s big, protective arms no longer felt the same. And for every minute that passed, the plan to act like nothing had changed seemed more and more hopeless.

By the time fever came around he was pretty much a nervous wreck. The kiss was coming up, and he had no idea what to do. It no longer felt like an act reserved for the stage. It suddenly had meaning and feelings behind it, and Tommy wasn’t sure he knew how to deal with that. Before he had any time to consider the matter any further Adam was before him, and it was time to flirt and act like normal. He tried, but couldn’t quite imagine he was overly successful. At least not until Adam couldn’t remember the lyrics, and he started laughing, which made Tommy laugh too. Suddenly they were just two friends having fun because one of them made a mistake on stage, and the affectionate kiss they shared seemed a lot less threatening than when the song had begun. Tommy thanked his lucky star for the amazing timing of one of Adam’s rare slip ups, and made it easily through the rest of the show after that. What had been made painfully obvious, however, was the need to talk to Adam as soon as possible – which meant in two days when they once again had a hotel night.

 

Adam was slightly surprised to see Tommy standing on the other side of the door. Not that it was in any way unusual for them to hang out after a show, but he hadn’t expected anyone else showing up tonight.

“Hey glitterbaby, wanna come in?” he asked with a smile.

“Yeah” Tommy nodded as he entered the room. “Thanks”

He went to sit on the sofa, and Adam followed as soon as he had closed the door. He was quite curious about the determined look on Tommy’s face and was anticipating what it could possibly be that Tommy needed to talk about.

“So, everything okay?” he began.

“Everything’s great” Tommy assured him. “Why?”

“Oh, no real reason. You just look like a man on a mission, and I thought there might be something you needed to talk about” Adam replied.

“Well….” Tommy smiled, “maybe there was something I needed to ask you”

“Aha!” Adam burst out in triumph. “And so the reason for your visit comes out”

“You enjoy being right way too much dude, you know that right?” Tommy asked. “I mean, seriously, you should consider getting some help”

“And you should consider stopping your stalling tactics oh great comedian” Adam grinned.

“Right” he acknowledged. “So…. Great show the other night, huh?”

“Yeah, definitely. But we knew it would be, I mean… it was…”

“The ‘let’s get high during the show and go crazy’ Amsterdam show” Tommy finished with a chuckle.

“Exactly” Adam smirked. “I was riled up, the crowd was riled up, and bam… fireworks”

“Yeah, there sure were fireworks!” Tommy laughed. “The crowd went wild when you kissed me during the encore like that”

“Yeah… hope that was okay. I mean, I know we always do stuff, but…” he trailed off.

“No man, it was cool. Definitely rock and roll” Tommy nodded.

“So… if it’s not a complaint about that, is it a question that relates to it?” Adam guessed.

“I’m being kind of obvious, huh?” Tommy smiled.

“Well, you did bring it up right after announcing you had something you wanted to ask, so.. I just assumed you might have a reason for steering the conversation in that direction” Adam said.

“Well, for once there is no reason to use the worn out cliché ‘you know what happens when you assume…’ speech” Tommy grinned slightly uncomfortable.

“And the comedic avoidance tactic is back” Adam teased.

“Sorry” Tommy acknowledged. “This is just kind of hard to get out”

“Something bad?” Adam asked slightly concerned.

“No!” Tommy was quick to deny. “Just… it’s gonna sound so stupid”

“I’m sure that’s not true” Adam tried soothing him. “Just ask your question, and I promise to take it seriously and not laugh at you”

“Okay” Tommy nodded. “So… this whole calling me pretty, kissing and touching me on stage, and acting like you want me sexually thing… is it for real or is it just fan service?”

“What?” Adam asked slightly confused and nervous about where this was going.

“Do you want me for real, or is it an act for the stage because it is good business and makes the fangirls scream?” Tommy repeated.

The smile that lit up Adam’s face took his breath away, and as his cheek was caressed in a very affectionate way he could feel his chest tighten.

“Oh, it’s real, glitterbaby” Adam admitted. “I’ve never tried to keep it a secret that I think you’re too fucking pretty for your own good, and that I want you. You’re my baby”

“Oh really?” Tommy smirked, obviously amused. “Funny how I missed that! ”

Adam merely smiled affectionately at him and caressed his cheek lovingly once more.

“Oh Tommy” he whispered. “You may never be mine sexually, but you will always be my baby”

“But you do want me sexually for real, and it’s not just an act for the crowd?” Tommy continued.

“Oh it’s very real” Adam chuckled. “You should know that by now”

Tommy nodded, slightly unsure of how to continue the conversation when Adam’s eyes snapped up to meet his with a glint of understanding in them.

“But I guess the real question is ‘is it all an act for you?’” Adam confronted him.

Tommy could feel his heart beating faster than it should be humanly possible, and he could feel the nerves making him sweat. He took a deep breath before letting one word escape through dry lips.

“No”

“’No’ it’s not an act or ‘no’ you don’t consider that an important question?” Adam wanted clarified.

“No it’s not an act” Tommy admitted.

“God Tommy” Adam groaned as he pulled the shorter man in for a heated kiss. For the first time he really allowed himself to pull Tommy’s body flush against his before letting his hands explore that amazing ass that had been tormenting him for months. He could feel the shorter body melt against his own which only fuelled his desire even more. Panting he pulled his lips away from Tommy’s to take a breath.

“Adam” those amazing lips whispered breathlessly and his cock gave a twitch in response.

“ Mmmmm” he murmured.

“Please” Tommy begged.

“Fuck” Adam groaned before devouring the sinful mouth again. “You drive me so fucking crazy”

Tommy smiled slightly.

“I like that I affect you like that” he confessed with a slight grin.

“You would you evil tease!” Adam growled, but it was clear he was in no way angry.

Tommy and Adam both grinned at each other for a wile, before Tommy became serious.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen you know” he said, affectionate accusation in his tone.

“What?” Adam smiled.

“I wasn’t supposed to feel like this” Tommy explained. “You weren’t supposed to make me fall in love with you, and you definitely weren’t supposed to make me question my sexuality”

“Is it terrible of me to be extremely pleased that it happened?” Adam teased gently.

“Yes it is” Tommy grinned before kissing him. “But I think I might be persuaded to forgive you”

“Ooohhh” Adam purred. “Intrigue! What can I do to persuade you pretty kitty?”

“Take me to bed and make me forget all about it?” Tommy suggested. “Make me feel how much you want me”

“Promise” Adam whispered seductively before kissing him once again.

He pulled the older man flush against his body and kissed him passionately as he guided them towards the bed. Tommy willingly went down on the bed when Adam pushed him gently, and groaned as Adam crawled on top of him to cover his body with his own. As Adam kissed him Tommy ran his hands op his back and felt the way the man above him was shaking.

“You’re shaking” he informed the other man, and Adam chuckled.

“Told you you’d feel how much I want you, and how difficult it is keeping that in check” was the whispered reply in his ear.

“Kiss me?” Tommy almost begged.

“Fuck yeah” was the growled reply before Adam crashed his lips to Tommy’s in a fierce kiss. When morning came, all to soon, Adam had more than kept his promise, and all was forgiven.


End file.
